How to help your kid with worries and fears, one small brave step at a time

Every child worries. About the dark, a test, a new class, a dog down the street, what their friends think. The CDC notes that fears and worries are typical in children. The question isn't how to make worries disappear. It's how to help kids cope with them instead of avoiding them.

The key idea: cope, don't avoid

When a child is scared of something, the natural move, for kids and parents, is to avoid it. Skip the party. Leave the light on. Stay away from the dog. Avoiding feels better right away, but it can make the fear bigger over time, because the child never gets to learn that they can handle it.

The American Academy of Pediatrics' advice for helping kids with anxiety:

• Gradually face fears. Consider gradually exposing your child to the things or activities they fear.
• Praise and reward brave behavior. The goal, as the AAP puts it, is to cope, not avoid.
• Avoid scary or violent shows, games and movies, which can feed worries.

Skill 1: Draw or write a worry, and one thing you can do

Worries feel smaller on paper than in your head.

1. Draw or write one worry. "I'm worried I won't have anyone to sit with at lunch."
2. Add one thing you could do about it. "I could ask Maya if I can sit with her." Even a small step counts.
3. Share it with a grown-up, if you want. It's their worry; they decide.
4. Fold it up and put it somewhere safe, like a worry jar or box.

Some families do this at bedtime, when worries tend to show up. Writing the worry down can be a way of setting it aside for the night.

When they share a worry, listen first. The AAP advises giving your full attention, validating the feeling, and not jumping straight to solving it. "That sounds hard. Tell me more."

Skill 2: Try a new thing that feels a little scary

Bravery is a muscle. It grows with small reps.

1. Pick something only a little bit scary: ordering at a restaurant, asking a question in class, trying a new food, sleeping with the door closed.
2. Take three belly breaths first. The AAP notes that slow, long breaths out calm the body's stress response. (More in calm-down tools.)
3. Try it, even for a short time.
4. Celebrate the trying, not just the result.

Skill 3: Face a small fear, with a plan

For a bigger fear, break it into a ladder of small steps, from easiest to hardest. Your child picks the fear and helps build the ladder.

Example: scared of dogs.

Climb one step at a time, staying on each until it feels OK, and don't skip ahead. Use calm-down tools along the way. Afterward, talk about how it went: "What was hardest? What helped? How do you feel about dogs now?"

A child gets to choose the fear and the pace. This is gentle practice, not throwing them in the deep end.

What not to say

• "There's nothing to be scared of." To them, there is. Try: "I know this feels scary. I think you can do it."
• "Don't worry." Kids can't turn worry off on command. Help them do something with it instead.
• Endless reassurance. Answering the same worried question again and again may keep the worry going instead of helping your child cope. Answer kindly, then help them use their tools.

When worry needs more help

The CDC explains that when a child doesn't outgrow typical fears, or when worries are so many or so strong that they interfere with school, home or play, it may be an anxiety disorder. Signs can include:

• Worry that doesn't let up, or many worries at once
• Irritability or anger, which can be a sign of anxiety too
• Trouble sleeping
• Stomachaches, headaches or tiredness without another cause

If you see these, the CDC and AAP both say the first step is to talk with your child's pediatrician or a mental health professional. Anxiety in children is common and treatable.

If your child ever talks about wanting to hurt themselves or not wanting to be alive, get help right away. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time, day or night.

Make it a quest

In Family Quests, this is the Worry Wrangler skill. Practice quests are write or draw a worry and one thing you can do about it and try a new thing that feels a little scary, and the mastery quest is face a small fear you picked, with a plan, and talk about how it went. Any photo or voice note your child sends is deleted once you've reviewed it. Start free.

Next: teach your kid resilience, or go back to calm-down tools.

This article is general information for parents, not medical advice. Every child develops at their own pace. If you have questions about your child's health or development, talk with your pediatrician.