How to teach your kid to apologize (for real) and make things right

"Say you're sorry." It's one of the most common things parents say, and one of the least effective when it's said in the heat of the moment. A mumbled, forced "sorry" rarely makes anyone feel better. A real apology, followed by a real effort to fix things, can.

What the research says

Kids can tell a forced apology from a real one. A 2018 University of Michigan study asked children aged 4 to 9 how they saw different apologies between peers. Kids saw willing apologies as making the hurt child feel better, whether or not an adult prompted them. Coerced apologies didn't work nearly as well, especially in the eyes of 7- to 9-year-olds, who tended to think the forced apologizer felt bad about getting in trouble rather than about what they'd done.

The researcher's advice: make sure the child understands why the other person feels bad, and that they're really ready to say sorry, then have them apologize.

Making amends matters too. In another study described by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, when someone knocked over a tower 6- and 7-year-olds were building, the children felt better when the person offered to help rebuild it. Repair is part of the apology.

One caution: most of this research asks children to judge stories about apologies, or uses short lab situations. It's a good guide, not the final word.

Step 0: Calm down first

No one can apologize well while they're still angry. Teach the order:

1. Calm down: breathing, a walk, a few minutes apart. (See calm-down tools.)
2. Think about the other person. "How do you think she felt when that happened?"
3. Then apologize, when they're ready.

The American Academy of Pediatrics' conflict tips follow the same idea: calm down, then think and talk about ways to fix the problem.

Skill 1: The three-part apology

A real apology has three parts. Teach them as a simple formula:

What to leave out:

• "But..." "I'm sorry, but you started it" isn't an apology.
• "If..." "I'm sorry if you were upset" makes it about their feelings, not your actions.
• Sarcasm. Kids know it when they hear it.

Practice by role-playing with stuffed animals, puppets or each other. Take turns being the one who apologizes. It's much easier to learn the words when nobody is upset.

Skill 2: Do something to make it right

Words are the start. Repair is the finish.

1. Think about what would really help. Ask: "What would make it better for them?"
2. Do it: help rebuild, replace what was broken, make a card, give them a turn, or help with a job.
3. Do it kindly, not grudgingly.
4. Ask if it helped.

Sometimes the right repair is just giving the other person time. Not everyone is ready to forgive right away, and that's OK.

The mastery test: a real apology after a real conflict

After a real disagreement, with a sibling, a friend or even a parent:

1. Calm down first.
2. Say what you did and how it hurt.
3. Do what you said you'd do to make it right.
4. Give them time if they're still upset.

Model it yourself

The most powerful way to teach apologizing is to apologize to your kids when you get it wrong. "I'm sorry I yelled. You didn't deserve that. I'm going to take a breath next time." It shows that apologizing is a strength, not a loss.

When to check with your pediatrician

If your child seems unable to see other people's feelings, often hurts others on purpose, or gets into frequent fights at school, talk with your pediatrician or your child's teacher.

Make it a quest

In Family Quests, this is the Sorry and Repair skill. Practice quests are practice a real apology (what I did, how it hurt, how I'll fix it) and do something to make it right, and the mastery quest is make a sincere apology and repair after a real conflict. Start free.

Next: teach your kid problem-solving steps, or go back to calm-down tools.

This article is general information for parents, not medical advice. Every child develops at their own pace. If you have questions about your child's health or development, talk with your pediatrician.