How to teach your kid to name their feelings (and why it helps)

A 6-year-old who is furious about losing a game usually can't tell you "I'm frustrated and disappointed." They can only show you, loudly. Learning to name a feeling is the first step to handling it, and it's a skill kids can practice like any other.

Why naming feelings helps

The American Academy of Pediatrics uses a simple phrase: "name it to tame it." Helping children name their emotions, the AAP says, helps them recognize what they're feeling and feel more in control.

There's brain research behind the idea. In a 2007 UCLA brain-imaging study, adults who put a feeling into words while looking at emotional images showed less activity in the amygdala, a part of the brain involved in emotional reactions, than when they processed the images in other ways. It was a lab study with adults, so it doesn't prove exactly how it works for a child mid-meltdown. But it fits what many parents see: once a child can say "I'm mad," the storm often starts to pass.

The CDC's parenting tips for ages 6 to 8 encourage talking with your child about their friends, their wins and their worries. Feeling words make those talks much easier.

Skill 1: Pick your feeling on a feelings chart

A feelings chart is a set of faces with words underneath. You can print one or draw your own together.

Start with a few feelings, then add more:

How to use it:

1. Once a day, at the same time, like after school or at bedtime, look at the chart together.
2. Your child points to the face that matches how they feel.
3. They say the word out loud.
4. You share yours too. "I'm feeling a bit tired and a bit happy."

Every feeling is OK to have. That's the most important message. Feelings aren't good or bad; what we do with them is the part we work on.

Skill 2: Spot feelings in a picture book

Picture books are perfect feelings practice, because it's easier to name someone else's feeling than your own.

1. Read a picture book together.
2. Pause on a page and look at a character's face.
3. Ask: "How do you think they feel?"
4. Ask: "Why?" This is the big one. It connects feelings to causes.

Try to find three feelings in one book. Faces, body language and what's happening in the story all give clues.

Skill 3: Say how you feel, and why

The goal is a simple sentence: "I feel ___ because ___."

• "I feel sad because my friend couldn't come over."
• "I feel mad because my brother knocked over my tower."
• "I feel excited because it's my birthday soon."

Model it yourself, often. Kids learn feeling words by hearing them.

How to respond when they share

The AAP's advice for talking with a stressed child applies to every feeling:

• Put the phone down and give them your attention.
• Validate the feeling. "That sounds really frustrating."
• Don't rush to fix it. The AAP notes that sometimes what a child needs most is to feel heard and understood.
• Thank them for telling you. Sharing a feeling is brave.

Avoid "Don't be sad" or "It's not a big deal." To a child, it is a big deal, and dismissing the feeling teaches them to stop sharing it.

When to check with your pediatrician

Every child has big feelings. But if your child seems sad, worried or angry most of the time, or their feelings regularly get in the way of school, friendships or sleep, talk with your pediatrician.

Make it a quest

In Family Quests, this is the Feeling Namer skill, the first step on the Heart branch. Practice quests are pick your feeling on a feelings chart each day and spot feelings in a picture book, and the mastery quest is tell a grown-up how you feel and why, three times in a week. Start free.

Next: teach your kid to calm down, or read more about ages 6 to 8.

This article is general information for parents, not medical advice. Every child develops at their own pace. If you have questions about your child's health or development, talk with your pediatrician.