How to help your kid make friends: inviting, asking questions and hosting a playdate

Few things worry parents more than a child who says, "Nobody plays with me." You can't make friends for your child. But making friends is made of skills, and skills can be practiced: how to ask someone to play, how to be interested in them, and how to be a good host.

Why friends matter so much at this age

The CDC notes that children 6 to 8 increasingly want to be liked and accepted by friends, and that by 9 to 11, kids start to form stronger, more complex friendships, with friends becoming more emotionally important. The CDC also calls healthy friendships very important to a child's development at this age.

Harvard Health makes a useful point: the skills behind friendship, like empathy, curiosity about others, communication, cooperation and managing emotions, are best learned at home with your family. How your family treats each other is the first practice field.

Skill 1: Invite a classmate to play

1. Notice someone who might like to play. Maybe a kid who likes the same things, or someone standing alone.
2. Ask: "Do you want to play with me?"
3. Suggest a game you can play together.
4. If they say no, that's OK. Try someone else, or try again another day.

That last step is the big one. Practice it at home: you play the classmate and sometimes say no, and your child practices answering, "OK, maybe another time!" A no isn't a disaster. It's just a no.

Skill 2: Ask a friend three questions

Most people like talking about themselves, and good questions are the fastest way to become someone's friend.

1. Think of three questions first. "What's your favorite game?" "Do you have a pet?" "What did you do this weekend?"
2. Ask, and really listen to each answer.
3. Ask one more about something they said. "You have a lizard? What's its name?"
4. Remember the answers. Asking about the lizard again next week shows you care.

This connects to listening skills, too. (More in teaching your kid to listen.)

Skill 3: Plan and host a playdate

This is the mastery goal, and the biggest step: your child invites a friend over and is the host.

1. Pick a day with your grown-up. (The CDC suggests getting to know the families of your child's friends, so this is a good chance to connect with the other parent.)
2. Choose a game you'll both enjoy. Harvard suggests building playdates around cooperative activities, like baking something together.
3. Make or set out a snack.
4. Be the host: let your friend pick first sometimes, include them, and thank them for coming.

A shorter playdate that goes well beats a long one that falls apart. An hour or two is plenty the first time.

How to coach without hovering

• Don't hover. Harvard advises letting kids work out social skills themselves, and stepping in only if they aren't interacting at all, or if there's meanness or fighting.
• Coach to the child you have. The AAP notes that children with different social styles need different coaching. A shy child, for example, may need help not pulling away from friends when there's conflict.
• Set clear house rules for guests. The AAP suggests that your child's friends should be able to follow your rules, too.
• Join groups. The CDC encourages school and community groups, like a sports team, where friendships form naturally around shared interests.
• Respect who they are. Harvard puts it simply: you can't make your child someone they are not. A kid with one or two close friends may be perfectly happy.

When to get more help

If your child has a very hard time making or keeping any friends, gets very anxious in social situations, or is being left out or bullied, talk with their teacher and your pediatrician. Harvard notes there can be more to the problem than meets the eye, such as ADHD or another condition that makes social interactions harder.

Make it a quest

In Family Quests, this is the Friend Maker skill. Practice quests are invite a classmate to play and ask a friend three questions about themselves, and the mastery quest is plan and host a playdate, including a game and snack. Because these quests involve kids from outside your family, they never ask for photos. Your child taps "I did it" or sends a voice note, and you approve it. Start free.

Next: teach your kid to really listen, or go back to good manners.