How to teach your kid to really listen (and interview a grandparent)

Hearing is easy. Listening is a skill: paying attention, understanding what someone means, and showing them you got it. Kids who listen well make better friends, better teammates and better problem-solvers, and they're a lot more fun to talk to.

Ages 8 to 10 are a great time to practice. The CDC notes that children 9 to 11 begin to see the point of view of others more clearly and have a growing attention span, two building blocks of real listening.

Skill 1: Retell before you reply

This is the single most useful listening trick, for kids and grown-ups.

1. Listen all the way to the end. Don't plan your answer while they're talking.
2. Say it back in your own words: "So you mean…"
3. Check: "Did I get that right?"
4. Then share your own idea.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends this kind of reflective listening, summarizing what the other person said and naming the feeling behind it. It also suggests having your child repeat what you said before responding.

Try it during a disagreement. Siblings who have to retell each other's side before arguing their own often find the fight shrinks. (More in problem-solving steps.)

Skill 2: Put the device down

1. Put your device away, or face down.
2. Look at the person talking.
3. Listen without checking anything.
4. Ask a question about what they said.

The AAP's first listening tip for parents is to put down your phone, book or laptop and give your child your full attention. Kids learn this best by seeing grown-ups do it.

The AAP's family media plan suggests screen-free zones, such as the dinner table, to strengthen face-to-face connection. Make it a family rule, not just a kid rule, and it'll stick.

Skill 3: Interview a family member about their life

This is the mastery goal, and many families find it the most meaningful quest on the whole branch.

1. Write five questions about their life.
2. Ask them, and listen closely. Use the retell trick: "So you moved three times before you were ten?"
3. Write down the best answers.
4. Share what you learned with the family.

Question ideas:

• What was your house like when you were my age?
• What games did you play?
• What was school like?
• What was the hardest thing that happened to you as a kid, and how did you get through it?
• How did you meet [Grandma/Grandpa/my parent]?
• What's something you were proud of?

Grandparents, great-aunts and older cousins make wonderful interviewees, by video call if they live far away.

Why family stories matter

Robyn Fivush, who directs the Family Narratives Lab at Emory University, writes that adolescents and young adults who know more about their parents' and grandparents' lives tend to have higher self-esteem, lower anxiety and a stronger sense of meaning. In her lab's work, stories about earlier generations predicted young people's well-being better than stories about their own lives, and the benefits were greatest when young people connected a family story to who they are.

This research is mostly with teens and young adults, and it shows a link, not proof that stories cause the benefits. But the habit starts young, and an interview is a natural way in. Stories about how a grandparent got through hard times are especially worth asking for.

Coaching tips

• Model it. When your child talks, put your phone down and retell: "So the teacher moved your seat, and you're upset about it?"
• Make time for it. The AAP suggests regular listening times, like after-school snack or bedtime. The CDC encourages spending time with your child and talking about their friends, their accomplishments and the challenges ahead.
• Don't quiz. Listening practice should feel like connection, not a test.

Make it a quest

In Family Quests, this is the Listener skill. Practice quests are retell what someone said before replying and put the device down during talks, and the mastery quest is interview a family member about their life and share what you learned. A photo of the interview notes makes good proof, and any photo or voice note your child sends is deleted once you've reviewed it. Start free.

Next: teach your kid to host a family event, or go back to making friends.