How to teach your kid to be kind to their siblings

Siblings fight. The American Academy of Pediatrics says it plainly: siblings are going to fight, however well parents model good behavior. But fighting isn't the whole story. Brothers, sisters and cousins can also become each other's first friends, and kindness between siblings is a skill kids can practice.

No sibling at home? Every quest here works with a cousin, too.

Why ages 6 to 8 are a good time

The CDC notes that children 6 to 8 start to show less focus on themselves and more concern for others. That's exactly the shift sibling kindness builds on.

Laurie Kramer, who studies sibling relationships at Northeastern University, describes ages 4 to 8 as a key window for learning the basic skills that shape sibling relationships later. Her research points to four of them: communicating, seeing the other person's point of view, handling big feelings, and working through conflict. And sibling relationships aren't fixed. In a randomized study of her family program, More Fun With Sisters and Brothers, siblings learned to interact more positively.

Skill 1: Share a toy without being asked

Sharing because a grown-up said so is good. Sharing on your own is the real skill.

1. Notice when your sibling wants something you have.
2. Offer it before anyone asks. "Do you want a turn?"
3. Let them use it their way.
4. Wait for your turn back without grabbing.

Give it a name when you see it: "You gave your sister a turn without anyone asking. That was kind." The CDC suggests focusing praise on what your child does, so they know exactly what to do again.

Skill 2: Help a sibling with a task

1. Look for someone who's stuck: a little brother who can't reach his shoes, a cousin struggling with a puzzle.
2. Ask first. "Do you want help?" Some kids want to do it themselves.
3. Help, don't take over.
4. Let them finish it.

Skill 3: Play their game, their way

This one is surprisingly hard. Playing your game is easy. Playing your little sister's game, with her rules, for the whole game, takes real kindness.

The AAP suggests taking turns picking activities, so no one child always gets their way, and choosing teamwork games or not keeping score when kids are prone to rivalry. The AAP's article on generosity adds that competition tends to make children (and adults) less generous, so cooperative play is a good place to practice kindness.

The challenge: a week of daily kindness

The mastery goal is one kind act for a sibling or cousin every day for a week.

1. Put seven boxes on a calendar.
2. Plan a few ideas together: draw them a picture, let them go first, help with their chore, make their bed, read them a story.
3. Do one each day and check the box.
4. Try one secret one. The AAP suggests practicing giving both in public and anonymously, like leaving a surprise without signing your name.

Don't expect the week to be fight-free. Kindness and squabbles live side by side, and that's normal.

When they do fight

The AAP and Kramer agree on a few things:

• Step back for small stuff. Give siblings a chance to solve simple disagreements on their own.
• Don't just ignore it. Kramer considers ignoring or separating kids one of the least effective responses. Acknowledge the fight, encourage them to work it out, and offer help if they need it.
• Step in as a calm, neutral referee when they can't solve it, or right away if someone could get hurt.
• Coach the fix. Hear each child's side, then help them find a solution they can both live with. (More in making a real apology.)

Fill their cups, too

Rivalry often comes down to competing for a parent. The AAP recommends one-on-one time with each child, even small, regular moments like a bedtime chat or a monthly breakfast alone. A child who feels secure in their own time with you has more room to be generous with a sibling.

Make it a quest

In Family Quests, this is the Kind Sibling skill, the first step on the Family and Friends branch. Practice quests are share a toy without being asked, help a sibling with a task and play their game, and the mastery quest is a week of daily kindness acts for a sibling or cousin. Start free.

Next: teach your kid good manners, or read about real apologies.