How to teach your kid to mentor a younger kid (and why teaching helps them learn)

There's an old saying: to really learn something, teach it. A 10- to 12-year-old who teaches a younger sibling or cousin to tie their shoes, ride a bike or count change is doing two things at once: helping someone else grow, and getting better at it themselves. Mentoring is the top of the Family and Friends branch, because it pulls together kindness, patience, listening and planning.

What the research says

Teaching helps the teacher. The Education Endowment Foundation, which reviews education research in England, rates peer tutoring as high impact for very low cost. Across studies, it averages about six extra months of progress in a school year, and studies have found benefits for both tutors and tutees. The EEF is careful to say the evidence for the tutors' gains is weaker, since only 13 of the 145 studies measured them. It also notes that in cross-age tutoring, an age gap of less than three years has sometimes worked best, and that tutoring works best for reviewing skills rather than teaching brand-new ones.

Even expecting to teach helps. In a 2014 study from Washington University in St. Louis, students who were told they'd have to teach a passage remembered more of it, and organized it better, than students who expected a test. (In the end, nobody actually taught; just expecting to changed how they learned.)

These studies are mostly from classrooms, not kitchens and backyards. But the lesson carries over: when your child explains a skill, they have to understand it well.

Skill 1: Teach a younger kid a skill you've mastered

1. Pick a skill you're really good at: tying shoes, a card game, a soccer move, a recipe.
2. Show it slowly, one step at a time.
3. Let them try it. Hands off!
4. Cheer them on until they get it.

Coach your mentor on the hardest part: patience. Younger kids are slow, and it's tempting to grab it and do it for them. Practice saying, "Almost! Try again."

Skill 2: Help with homework, patiently

The goal here is hints, not answers.

1. Sit together somewhere quiet. The AAP suggests keeping the TV and other electronic distractions off during homework time.
2. Ask what they think first. "What's the question asking?"
3. Give a hint, not the answer. "What if you counted on your fingers?"
4. Let them write it themselves.

Giving the answer feels kind, but it takes away the learning. A good mentor asks questions that lead the way.

Skill 3: Coach a younger family member through a whole skill

This is the mastery goal, and it's big. Your child coaches a younger sibling or cousin from start to finish on one skill.

1. Pick a skill together, one the younger kid wants to learn.
2. Help them plan each step.
3. Coach, but let them do it.
4. Celebrate when they master it.

Expect it to take weeks. Check in with your mentor along the way: What's working? Where is your learner stuck? What could you try differently? It's the same problem-solving loop from problem-solving steps, now used for someone else.

Coaching your mentor

• Pick the match carefully. A mentor who resents the job won't be patient. Let your older child choose the skill they're proud of.
• Keep it short. Ten or fifteen minutes at a time is plenty for younger kids.
• Watch for bossiness. Remind your mentor that the learner is in charge of the doing. The mentor helps.
• Praise the mentor's choices. The CDC suggests helping kids think about their own accomplishments: try "You must be proud of how patient you were," rather than only "I'm proud of you."
• Know when to step in. If the younger child is getting frustrated, or the older one is losing patience, call a break.

The CDC's tips for ages 9 to 11 include encouraging kids to help people in need and to set their own goals. A mentor does both.

Make it a quest

In Family Quests, this is the Mentor skill, the top of the Family and Friends branch. Practice quests are teach a younger kid a skill you've mastered and help with homework patiently, and the mastery quest is coach a younger family member through one node in their tree: the older kid helps a younger family member master one skill on their own map. Start free.

Next: go back to hosting a family event, or to kindness between siblings.